I’ll start with the good news: We can 100% confirm, once and for all, that Bekah M. is not a missing person, despite reports otherwise. I saw her with my own eyes on tonight’s episode of the The Bachelor, looking absolutely stunning in a polka dot dress and rolling her eyes at Krystal. Which brings me to the bad news: Krystal has not done any personal growth since the events of last week. But we’ll get to that.
First, let’s start at the beginning: We’re on a boat! In Paris! No, really, the women are staying on a boat called “the B” because apparently millennial marketing has finally reached the riverboat cruise industry. Sadly, the gals are too excited talking about whether or not they’ll get a one-on-one date to notice that they’re floating past the Eiffel freaking Tower. Not that they would have had much time for an Insta moment, though, because Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere to reveal that this week there will be two one-on-one dates, one group date, and the first two-on-one date of the season. Tia has the right response: “Oh, FUCK.”
Krystal is not worried, though. She thinks she’s the “obvious” choice for a two-on-one date because 1) she is Krystal and 2) “there’s no one on my level.” Sure. As for the first one-on-one date, that goes to Lauren. A cute lil boat shows up to whisk her and Arie away, and Krystal says some more nonsense.
As they leave, Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her, which I call bullshit on: He definitely only just learned her name five minutes before this. I know this because Arie literally tells us himself that he knows very little about Lauren. Why would you “save” a date for somebody you yourself admit you don’t know?
As we watch Arie and Lauren silently stroll through a market, Tia and Kendall discuss how awkward the date must be because Lauren is slow to warm up. They aren’t kidding: The date mostly consists of her saying “wow” to all the landmarks Arie points out. As for Arie, he’s concerned this means Lauren’s not that into him, which…yeah, probably. He tells Lauren he has a crush on her, and she responds with a slight head nod. So, yeah, she’s definitely not that into him. Yes, girl. Get your free trip to Paris!
After the commercial break, Becca, Sam, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna learn they’re going on the group date. That leaves Krystal, Kendall, Jacqueline up for either a one-on-one or the dreaded two-on-one. Krystal, still convinced she’s going on the two-on-one, deems this “unfair” because neither woman can compete with her.
Back on Arie and Lauren’s date, he’s fretting that she’s not opening up. So, to get her talking, he shares details about his most serious relationship. Apparently, he once lived with a woman who got pregnant with his child, but he had to travel a lot during her pregnancy for racing stuff. One day, she called and told him she lost the baby…and was moving out.
“That’s terrible.” – Lauren, with zero emotion or interest about Arie’s story
This prompts Lauren to finally open up, kind of: She says she has a warped view of men because of her parents’ marriage. That and she was engaged to her ex, and when that relationship failed she became even more guarded. This seems to be enough information for Arie, because he gives her the rose. They have a passionless makeout to celebrate.
The next day, on the group date, Arie takes the women to the real-deal Moulin Rouge. They learn some of the dances, and naturally Seinne is the best because she is truly perfect. Bekah (who, again, is not a missing person) decides that jazz hands and a big smile will distract from her so-so dancing. Tia, poor doll, is the worst by far at the choreography. Eventually, they’re all put in the barely-there costumes, while Arie wears a ridiculous top hat and cape. Turns out, the stakes on this date are, I guess, high: Whoever gets a rose tonight will get to perform on stage with Arie.
With such a prize at stake, the women go into the cocktail party determined to get that rose. Tia tells Arie she’s still in love with him. Meanwhile, Chelsea is annoyed that the women left are all so different, as if humans have only one type of person they’re attracted to in this world. (Well, then again, Arie does seem to have a specific type: women under 30.) During her time with Arie, Bekah admits that she was jealous watching him leave for his date with Lauren. Seinne talks to Arie in French, proving yet again that she is truly perfect. Is there anything this woman can’t do? The rose goes to Bekah M., though, and the evening ends with her on stage with Arie while the rest of the women watch. They makeout backstage. I still think she can do better.
Back on “the B,”—that was painful to write, by the way—Krystal deviously announces that the two-on-one date is between her and Kendall. She gloats, because nothing she does makes any sense.
“I’m wife material. Fun wife material.” – Krystal
I do like Krystal’s outfit for the date, so I’ll give her that. I’m a sucker for velvet this season. And those fabulous white pants? Dying. Dead. Done.
The two-on-one is to drink wine and wander around the lawn of a beautiful chateau in the French countryside. This would be a dream date, minus Arie and Krystal. (Kendall can stay.) Before they get to the good stuff, though, Arie shows off his realtor skills by giving a tour of the house. Then, he hides in the middle of a lawn maze and tasks the women with finding him. Krystal gets to him first because of course. They spend their alone time talking about their argument from last week in between makeout sessions. Arie thinks she’s sincerely apologetic…but then she immediately transitions into talking trash about Kendall.
So, what does Arie do? Immediately rat Krystal out and tell Kendall everything she said. So messy! Kendall goes back to Krystal and confronts her—but rather than chewing her out, like I for sure would have, Kendall handles it much more maturely. She tells Krystal that she knows in her heart Krystal is a good person; she’s just been through a lot of pain and is acting out because of it. Krystal answers this with, “I don’t really have words.” Before Kendall can respond, Arie joins the two and tells them he can’t make a decision yet, so he’ll see them later for dinner. Krystal, of course, immediately starts spiraling that Arie needs more time.
Later that night, Krystal tells Kendall her speech was patronizing. They talk at each other for a bit, but neither is really listening to the other.
“I don’t have trouble connecting with people.” – Krystal, as she struggles to connect with Kendall
By the way, have you noticed that Krystal says “mmhmm” a lot to fill the silence? Nothing to add to that, just an observation.
Once Arie joins the women, Krystal kind of talks at Arie and Kendall until eventually he just stands up from the table and asks Kendall to talk with him privately. Rude but also LOL.
“I think maybe some girls in the house would be shocked if Krystal comes home from the two-on-one, but I don’t know how shocked I would actually be. No one thought Trump was gonna win the election either and look-ee here we are.” – Bekah M.
WHOA KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. I’m honestly shocked about that and that Krystal’s head does not explode off her body from the news. Instead, she flutters her eyelashes, says “mmhmm” one final time, and sits at the table alone as Arie and Kendall walk away. As Arie and Kendall head to the Eiffel Tower for a semi-passionate makeout sesh, we are treated to a long, rambling monologue from Krystal, in which she declares she’s a strong woman.
Arie’s already over the drama, though, and ready to take Jacqueline out on a one-on-one date. The plan is to ride around in a very chic, very French convertible, but it breaks down right away. Luckily, Arie is a car dude! Except this car dude cannot fix this car, dude. So, they take a cab to go shopping instead. He buys Jacqueline a very chic, very French black dress and they head to a very chic, very French restaurant. Over a meal they do not eat, Jacqueline admits she felt like an experiment at first, rather than somebody Arie was seriously into. But he says his weirdness around her was just because he’s intimidated by her. (Sigh.)
“I’m going to be completely blunt with you: I think in the beginning, I was like, ‘She’s far too intelligent for me.’” – Arie, which, fair
He’s concerned that he wouldn’t know how to hold her interest. And yeah, that’s probably true. However, Jacqueline is convinced she and Arie have a connection. They have a surprisingly serious conversation about how their lives may not match up. See, she wants to get her doctorate, which means six more years of education; he confesses he’s worried he would hold her back from her dreams because he’s pretty settled in Scottsdale. They don’t reach any sort of conclusion, but he gives her the rose anyway and basically says they’ll cross that bridge if they even get to it. They kiss passionately.
The next day, Arie skips the cocktail ceremony and goes straight to the roses: Tia, Seinne, and Becca are all here another week. That means Chelsea and Jenna are going home. After they say their goodbyes, the women with roses stand around and chat about how shocked they are Chelsea is leaving. Lauren, meanwhile, stands off to the side and talks to a producer about how she’s having a hard time. It feels like a really weird scene to include, unless it’s foreshadowing…to…something?
Next week: They’re all going to Tuscany! That’s where I went for my honeymoon—can’t wait to see if The Bachelor is able to ruin that happy memory for me!